for the first time, we invited a specialist to share her valuable reflections with us here.
TAMYRIS MELO, a clinical psychologist and mentor, has crafted an incredible piece that tackles an essential topic for entrepreneurs: self-compassion. if you’ve ever been too hard on yourself or felt overwhelmed by your own expectations, this article is for you!
(THE PORTUGUESE VERSION OF THIS TEXT IS ESPECIALLY STRIKING, DON’T MISS IT – click here to check)
how do you treat yourself when you don't get things right?
first of all, let me introduce myself: my name is TAMYRIS MELO, I am a clinical psychologist and mentor to psychologists who want to sell their services through digital positioning, but that’s not all…
in school, i was always “the top student,” “the one who always gets an A,” “the one who finishes the test first,” “the first in line,” and “the standout in presentations.” i remember it like it was yesterday—a certain boy came into my classroom and shattered my little castle of perfection by turning in his test before me. (why???). i remember feeling so stupid, watching him with such anger—and mind you, i got a perfect score (seriously?), but i wasn’t the first (how could I fail so miserably?).
can you see how distorted my self-judgment was? where there was a direct link between a child doing something faster than i did and me being a failure?
life went on, i survived… years passed (many similar episodes happened), and i entered college.
some experiences gave me several anxiety attacks, but my life experience, my proximity to psychology, and self-awareness brought changes. i recall that near the end of my undergraduate studies, there was an assessment called 360 degrees (where everyone evaluates everyone, which ends in fights, intrigue, ruins, broken friendships, etc.) in my internship group, and one of the evaluation topics was the level of self-criticism.
there I was, always getting a 10. people thought: “how cunning, so arrogant, giving herself a 10?”. but after a lot of therapy and self-awareness, i really developed a good sense of self-criticism (not going easy on myself when I made mistakes helped me improve).
in my profession, it’s common for me to receive messages from people who are too hard on themselves or have rigid thinking, especially since most of my clients are healthcare professionals and entrepreneurs.
i understand that the first step to stop self-sabotage is to have SELF-COMPASSION—that is, to accept yourself as you are, to accept that imperfection exists, and that things are not always under your control. only after this acceptance can the process of change happen.
self-sabotage involves many limiting beliefs, and when this happens, you start to live in self-criticism, unable to see possibilities for change, repeating negative patterns, and becoming unwell.
seeing yourself in a compassionate way is liberating, and that’s what i want for you: to feel free to live and not just repeat the situations that have already happened to you.
back to the point: what exactly is self-compassion? or even, what is it not?
self-compassion is the ability (note that I didn’t say gift, so we’re here to develop it) to deal with our failures with a compassionate attitude. it’s being kind to yourself when something goes wrong. it’s recognizing and accepting painful emotions impartially when they arise.
what self-compassion does is avoid measuring your worth as a person by a momentary mistake. your first company should be your life, and if you’re not kind to yourself, that company will reflect something rigid, inflexible, and on the verge of collapse.
here's a practical tip:
write down the things you say to yourself on a bad day and you’ll probably be shocked to read them on a day when you haven’t faced stressful events.
pay close attention: self-compassion is not self-indulgence! Many people who are overly critical of themselves tend to think they’re “letting themselves off the hook.”
self-compassion is not being in denial:
- the denialist says: “oh, it’s okay, this project wasn’t that important anyway.”
- the self-compassionate person says: “i tried hard, i planned, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but I need to do something to improve… what are the possibilities?”
did you know that being empathetic with yourself reduces stress levels and procrastination?
let’s practice a little:
- think of a situation you consider to have caused you suffering;
- write down what happened, without criticizing, just telling the facts and what your feelings were, without judgments.
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now, write down what you would say to a friend who was going through that situation.
did your approach change when you thought about your friend? would you treat yourself the same way, or more harshly?
remember: ou are strong when you recognize that true success starts with internal balance.
